Archive for October 2008

One of the Most Important Things In Life I’ve Learned…

October 12, 2008 by bcrdukes.

…is how to let it go. Letting go of the things and people that make me upset. That hurt me. That make me cry myself to sleep where the tears are cold and meaningless.

It doesn’t matter what it is that bothers me or what hurts me. Whether it’d be something that went awry at work or whether somebody pisses me off. Or whether it’s somebody I love and in high hopes, they come crashing down point blank crushing every bit and piece of what’s left of my already fragile heart.

But I’ve become so numb, I’ve come to learn to Let It Go.

Let Go by Gabriel & Dresden (Right click - Save As)

A reflective masterpiece by DJ duo Gabriel & Dresden. With no surprise, the two masters of music fuse together a track influenced by synths, deep bass guitar notes and the magical voice of a diva. And when there’s something that I truly believe in or something that I once loved, this piece is the Novocain to all my hearts misery.

I swear I don’t know
What time it is
But I know this means
Nothing much to me
And I hear the voices
Ring in my head
And they keep tell’ me
Telling me to let go, let go
Telling me to let go, let go

It would be better that way
Let it go, let it go

And I hear the voices
Ring in my head
And they keep tell’ me
Telling me to let go, let go
Telling me to let go, let go
Telling me to let go, let go
Telling me to let go, let go

Cause It could be better that way
Let it go, let it go
It could be better that way
Let it go, let it go
It’s just better that way
Let it go, let it go
It could be better that way
Let it go, let it go

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Toronto..

October 2, 2008 by bcrdukes.

I hate you. I hate this city. I come here only to sucumb myself in a bottomless pit of hate where hate doesn’t even describe how I feel. You attention whore. Why does everything have to revolve around you? Centre of the universe? You’re so vain, I vomit to see my stomach before me.

Here I sit in a gloomy corner of the 14th floor. In misery. In pain. In desperation to escape the urban jungle. The cold damp weather pierces through my skin much moreso than the darkest winter nights. Out the window, all I see are rails of train tracks and eight-lane freeways that lead to oblivion with signs that show No Exit.

No Love

No Hope

This pathetic city does not sleep. I wake up from nightmares with the cold sweat running down my forehead, my arms feeling of pins and needles. I’m trapped and helpless. There’s nobody to hear my cries of sadness and my plea for repent.

I look at all the people around me today. I’m surrounded by soulless zombies wandering about to make ends meet. Living to work but not working to live. This demented city disgusts me and drives my bitter hatred towards this city even the Devil himself cries for mercy. If I could slit my wrists open to see the black blood flowing out of my veins, I would do so than suffer in this paradise of hell. My heart cries for an escape but I had just remembered - I lost it once upon a time.

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Oh, September…

October 1, 2008 by bcrdukes.

…how I missed you. Your beautiful sunny days asking me to drop the top down in the Alfa, to take her and the beautiful gal out on a nite downtown. The warm breeze that I feel upon my skin and the melting ice cream before me. September - oh how I missed you but I did not forget about you. Forget October; A month full of cold, cloudy, not to mention, rainy days. You’re only good for Thanksgiving for crying out loud!

Regardless, September was a busy month with all the projects piling up and my restless nights of coffee and working on the Alfa at Hubert’s. I can barely remember what I did throughout the month but my weekend run for some of that motor oil at Triangle Cafe kept up however, slowly a dying habit as the place has been discovered by the hipsters. Perhaps it’s time to move on, just like love. Cut your losses now, open yourself up and become vulnerable to what comes your way. It’s a dangerous game I won’t want to participate in anyway. But I enjoyed the month of September. It was fun. Nice long walks along English Bay and the Seawall into Yaletown. Bubble tea nights and my weak attempts to gobble up the ice cream that I so unsuccessfully tried to finish. The endless laughs and pointless drives with the pretty gal in the Alfa. I had a lot of fun and one can only hope such a fairy tale can continue for so long.

My mind’s been clouded with too many things. I don’t even know where to start. I feel dumb. My brain feels like mush. I can barely read and answer a simple question so to say the least. My vocabulary and use of the English language has become sub-par, perhaps it’s time to take English 100 all over again. Ugh! I hate school. But speaking of school, I need to get cracking on writing the CAPM exam soon. I meant to do it this month but work got too busy, I didn’t have time to study for it. I think next month I’ll take the CAPM exam prep at good ol’ SFU before I write the exam. The plan is to write the exam and to achieve it this year however, I learned that over 75% of candidates fail the first time so I’m wishing myself luck. You probably dont’ care and I didn’t expect you to, anyway. Asshole.

That’s all for now. Again, September was an awesome month. I had a lot of fun with a select few people and it was great. I hope things keep up the way they are, if not, evolve into something newer and better. And for once, I wasn’t angry nor bitter for a long time. I missed that feeling. It felt good. But I’m in lame-ass Toronto now and totally not looking forward to it. Time to go sit my sorry ass in the corner and do what I’m good at doing - being a ham bao, fat pay hay, and fan toy. September was just too surreal. There has to be a better explanation to all of this. Especially those feelings.

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