There Are Days…

…where I feel empty deep down inside and this feeling has been surfacing moreso than usual. And as the days go by, I can’t help but feel that a bigger hole inside of me where the emptiness grows upon me. The lack of aspiration, dedication, loyalty and ambition consumes me. I’m stuck here in this pit I call Hell every morning from 9am to 5pm fulfilling Satan’s wishes. It kills me inside that I’m not doing what I’m good at doing and what I can do to my fullest potential. To have Somebody Up There pull me back up and then to kick me to the curb again rips a bigger hole in what’s left of me. I can only take so much because I’m human but I’m starting to become numb. I don’ know how much more of this I can take because if you were to tell me to be patient, I think I’ve been pretty patient, don’t you think? And come to think of it, my friend Allan pointed out to me the other day that I’ve become more “standoff’ish.” I think what he meant to say was that I’ve been more care-free and tolerant/numb of what’s happening. And he’s probably right. I stopped caring about a lot of things and of people. I can’t be bothered to really care anymore because I no longer see a point in doing so only because I know I’ll set myself up for disappointment. I haven’t lost faith in humanity because I know that something will come to value at the end of this melting pot of misery called Life.

And Then There Are Other Days…

…where I miss her. I wake up in the morning thinking about if she’s going to be stuck in traffic to work and on weekends, whether she’s still up for coffee or perhaps a dinner and movie. And when I have that burning desire to go to the VAG, I can’t help but think of her and what her opinion is on a particular exhibit. Or whether she’ll be going to FUZE on Friday nights at month’s end. Whether she bought that coat she wanted at Spank. I miss that warm smile of hers, her sparkly, innocent eyes, and her beautiful hair. Her stories of going to Europe and what she did with her nephew and niece. I miss all of that and most importantly, I still miss her. But honest to truth is that if things were meant to be this way, they were meant to happen for a reason - good or bad. I can’t change the way things are anymore only because I’ve learned to respect how she feels. I don’t want to be an asshole about it. I just have to take all of this for face value. Then again, this doesn’t mean I can’t miss her. I can’t help it. Call me weak, but she still means a lot to me. You don’t run into a girl like her once every blue moon. Felicia, my weekends and endless cups of coffee just aren’t the same without you. I miss you but both you and I know…Life Goes On.

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This entry was posted on March 6, 2007 at 2:14 am and is filed under Daily Rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site.